Sexual Abuse

I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I am not alone. Statistics show that 1:4 girls and 1:6 boys will be sexually abused by the age of 18. And that may be a low estimate as sexual abuse is often not reported. The number is far too high. Sexual abuse crosses the boundaries of socioeconomic groups, ethnic groups, where people live, and professions. But it almost always leaves behind damage. The degree of damage can depend on factors such as whether the child is believed, the support the child has, does the child get help to deal with the abuse, the length of time the abuse occurred, and especially the degree of trust the child has in the abuser. The more the child should have been able to trust the abuser, the more betrayal and hurt left behind.

My abuser was my father. It went on for a long time. And I never told anyone. I didn’t even remember it till I was 37. I believe God gives our brains that ability - to put things too terrible to process somewhere until the time is better to deal with these memories. Thankfully, when I started remembering, I had a wonderful counselor to help me. And I had Jesus. Some may ask where was God when the abuse was happening. I can’t speak for God but I know He has given us free choice - and sometimes people make very bad, hurtful, damaging choices.

Some of the aftereffects a survivor may have are depression, anxiety, panic attacks, physical symptoms, distrust, sexual difficulties, nightmares, insomnia, flashbacks, memories that just pop up, low self esteem, fear of people that same gender as their abuser, the desire to be in control, body memories - where the body has feelings from the abuse but the mind has not remembered the abuse yet, shame, guilt, and no memories of certain time periods in their life. One of the most important things I want a survivor of sexual abuse to know is that it was NEVER their fault. NEVER. No matter what the abuser said, what they were wearing, where they were, how they looked. NEVER their fault. The full responsibility lies with the abuser. The shame and guilt is on them.

Healing is often a difficult process. It involves learning coping skills to keep the survivor safe, providing education, talking about thoughts and feelings, listening to the story the survivor may need to share, grieving the losses that go with abuse, learning new relationship skills and learning to trust. It can be very painful, but with support, a survivor can learn to lessen the power that the abuse has had in his or her life. Forgiveness is something that each survivor has to come to on their own. It took me awhile. But I now know that the forgiveness is not for the abuser, but so that we can live our lives to the fullest without carrying a burden that is so heavy. My feeling is that this issue is between the survivor and God - I cannot tell someone when they should forgive. But there is freedom in doing so.

I have had lots of healing. I don’t think about my abuse much any more. And while we can never forget - we can move on to a positive life filled with good things, joy, and peace. It is worth the trials and struggles.

Weeds

I've been thinking about weeds lately. Our yard is full of them right now, and I'm waiting for the right morning conditions to put down weed and feed. Usually, I don't like to use chemicals but this lawn is out of control! It needs help. The weeds need to die to make room for the healthy grass to grow.

So what thoughts do I have about weeds? Why do weeds exist even? For some people, weeds are wildflowers to be appreciated. For others, they are invasive pests to be plucked out. In terms of our interior selves, this is how I look at weeds. As we go through our lives, weeds get planted and take root through negative events we experience: things like neglect, abuse, bullying, loss, poverty, betrayal. And just like weeds in our yard, the longer our weeds are there, the stronger the root gets. Some are incredibly stubborn! Like weeds in the yard, we may need help pulling them out. And we must get the whole root or back they come!

How do we get rid of these weeds? First, we have to identify the source of the weed. What planted that seed? How has our life been affected? For example, neglect can leave behind things like distrust, poor self esteem, and always expecting the worst. We may have to grieve for how things were and how we wished they would have been. We may have to learn new ways of thinking about ourselves and others and new ways to relate to others. Then we have to replace the space left by the weed with healthy self care and positive relationships. If we leave that space, other weeds may pop up and take root. Just like weed and feed, we get rid of the roots and feed the healthy places.

And another important fact about weeds is this: while the weed itself may be invasive and prickly, it can make beautiful flowers. Neglect hurts and is very sad. But that neglected child may grow into an adult who has a heart to make sure they don't repeat that with their own kids. They may have a heart that enables them to understand the pain of others. They may make a commitment to have a garden full of blessings and generosity for others. The root was sad, but it produced a flower that was beautiful.

Hearts Like Wildflowers

I hope you are blessed with a heart like a wildflower.

Strong enough to rise again after being trampled upon, tough enough to weather the worst of the summer storms, and able to grow and flourish even in the most broken places.

Nikita Gill

Mother's Day

The mother's heart is a child's schoolroom.

Henry Ward Beecher

What do you think of when you hear those words? What do you feel? For some there are good and happy memories and feelings. For others there is sadness and maybe anger. It is OK to have the feelings you have!! But the truth is , our mothers write a story on our heart. Positive - negative- disabling- empowering. The story is written. If it is positive, count that as a blessing. If not, know you aren't alone, your feelings are valid, and there is hope and healing for you.

My mother story is one of criticism and not being protected. Wounds were left that are healing still. These wounds changed how I look at myself, how I allowed others to treat me, and how I treat myself. They caused me to expect rejection and colored all of my relationships. To heal these wounds takes internal work- and it is hard work! It involves releasing feelings, changing thought patterns, and learning new relationship patterns. And learning to trust. But it can be done!

My faith has been so important to my healing. It is vital to know we aren't alone. Find someone you can trust to talk to. Do the work and get ready for freedom!

Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.
Psalm 27:10, New Living Translation